ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it