My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long