*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
The best shot in the history of golf
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’m tired tomorrow.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.