The best shot in the history of golf
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I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*