Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
me working on my assignments ^-^
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*