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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale