When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”