When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.