Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.