no one likes gloating
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Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie