me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Those are good neighbors.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.