when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
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Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
this is 10/10 content no notes
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school