Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary