The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel