A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
How dude HOW?!
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?