Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Okay me first
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere