me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads: