what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I鈥檓 trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I鈥檓 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it鈥檚 guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he鈥檇 had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Pretending I鈥檓 eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I鈥檓 starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
saving face 馃憖
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can鈥檛 get her Viagra.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you鈥檇 say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That鈥檚 an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That鈥檚 a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That鈥檚 India.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how