I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
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Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Doggies just call it style.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time