i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
cyclists
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.