I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
cry laughing at this shit
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
#math
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”