damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”