Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
When you’re here for the treats.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.