Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.