[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.