can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
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Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Well well well…
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while