Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
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Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted