If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
me as a parent
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Become ungovernable.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.