still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?