Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.