Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
this has to be peak English
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.