Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Admin smashed it 😂
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy