When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Weirdos gonna weird.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew