I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Leaving the Barbers like
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.