Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly