My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
You Might Also Like
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Your secret is safeish with me
asking santa clause for nudes
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.