Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”