toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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