What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.