Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Unimpressed
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress