Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
(Gaming support cat.)
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵