friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.