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AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
why would tinder want me to say this
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.