“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids