If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …