When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
You Might Also Like
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The Backseat Boys
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.