When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Rt to bother an English speaker
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.