Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA