[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
You Might Also Like
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Hotels are back
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.