My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
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After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.