I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
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I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?